Now, Chapter 2 left us before Christmas, so Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Merry January!
And Chapter 3 now brings us to:
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My life, is currently a crazy, bizarre, confusing, fun, upsetting, brilliant turmoil of MADNESS!
So skipping back to Chapter 2 quickly, the question of what I was doing with my life, well, guess what, I have FINALLY figured out what I am doing after college, because, I'm doing the after college part now! Quick 2 years huh?! So yes, people, I am currently not in college, I am unemployed, and yes, I am no longer doing veterinary nursing, because although I have always wanted to work with animals, I've realised that working in a veterinary practice, never did, and never really ever will give me that thrill that I get when I work with horses, the freedom, the rush of the wind, the adrenaline that flies through your body for a matter of minutes..seconds - the gallop through a field, the timed jumping round.
Now, I could sit forever, thinking about what it is that makes me feel like that, what it is that drove me to wake up at 4.30 every morning during my summer holidays and cycle half an hour so I could get a lift to the stables in time to shovel the shit of about 30 horses in 35 degrees. Or I could just accept that I did it because I love it, I love the horses, I love the riding, the falls, the jumps, the bruises, the broken bones and the joys of getting it right, the rosettes, the amazing feeling of working together with such a large creature, one with a mind and a heart of its own, being friends with them.
So I looked into studying something with horses, and what I came across made my whole life flip upside down, because I came across an opportunity I was once offered years ago, one that got passed as just a phase, something I would never succeed in. Yet here it is again, sitting bang on in front of me, just waiting for me to reach out and grab it with both hands. So that is what I am doing, you can believe in coincidence, you can believe in fate, but you won't ever get anywhere if you don't try.
So yes, I may have lost my place at college, I may have fallen so deep into depression and fear these past few months, that I had no chance of carrying on anyway, I may have gotten better, I may have been able to hold out, hide behind another mask, or the pills that doctors prescribe, I may have found a way, to push myself to finish my diploma. But 'may' isn't good enough, and what is the point, in pushing yourself that hard just to end up hiding behind pills, suffering and fighting a war against yourself and hating every waking minute of your god forsaken life? To me, that cannot be called living, to me, I might as well be dead.
So I am now working towards being me, doing what I want to do. I'm moving into a gorgeous little house, down the road from one of the most amazing families I have ever met. I've applied to start on the Race horse care and management foundation course and then hopefully, if all goes well, I will eventually get the chance to get my jockey license. In the mean time, I will be getting a job, odd bits here and there for now. But for now that gets me by. I have friends that will always be there to support me, I have met some brilliant people on my old college course, and I love them to bits, they are so bonkers, I don't know what I would do without them, I can say for sure though, it definitely wouldn't be here. And then there's the one person, who somehow - I still have no idea how - managed to take my hands, and pull me back up onto my feet again. They reminded me what it was like to feel safe, secure, loved. They stuck a smile back on my face, made me truly laugh and feel happiness, when all I thought could come from me was tears, anger, frustration. They gave me a family to reside in, to love, to have fun with; they switched on the street lights, and lit up the place, reminded me that even though things are up in the air, even though I am fighting a constant war with myself and my past, the troubles, the tears, the pains; there is always hope - even if I am cnsantly losing a fight against myself, there will always be someone there, worrying, caring and wanting/waiting for the chance to help save you.
So here's my wrapping up of chapter 3 of lifes perplexions: We live in a corrupt place, you will always get knocked down, kicked whilst on the ground, but there will always be that chance to get back up, and until that chance comes along, you have to hold on and fight for your life, even if it doesn't seem worth it at the time. You will always find that one person, that one thing, that will bring you back to life again. Hold on to hope. And always remember, one of the most important things that I had forgotten about:
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There is an awful lot of beauty in this world.
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